Day 2: Doing a ‘Golden Girls’ DVD marathon is BTS

I’m pretty sure everyone – or, more accurately, everyone with the XX chromosome – has her favorite moment in the Sex and the City movie; aside from making my friend sniffle her way through three boxes of Kleenex, “I’m sorry I screwed it up – but I will love you forever” has restored her faith in internet-facilitated relationships. There’s one masterstroke of sassy genius here, though, that never fails to bring a tear to my eye: Charlotte naming her baby Rose, in a winking, playfully subtle homage to the scatterbrained, lovable Rose of the spiritual predecessor to Sex and the City, post-menopause and pre-cosmos,The Golden Girls. Transplant Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha to 1980s Miami in their sixties and you get cougars emeritus Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche. Seriously, where else could Samantha Jones have picked up her talent at ball-juggling than from the original belle of the balls herself, Blanche Deveraux? (If you ask me, I want to be Bea Arthur, who plays Dorothy Zbornak, when I grow up.)

And so, earlier today, I feasted on four shows from Season 3 of The Golden Girls and the fabulous foursome deliciously succeed in hitting my, shall we say, G-spot every time. The repartee is hysterical, the chemistry between the four legends sublime and the show a cheeky chronicle of sociological issues, ranging from illegal immigration and euthanasia to domestic violence and Rose’s vansap kaka. So for a moment, allow me to trade your cosmos for a slice of cheesecake as my favorite sextagenarians dish on men’s endowment, men’s undergarments and more.

On Men’s Undergarments:

Blanche: Wasn’t it sweet, opening his closet and seeing his boxers hanging there with that provocative nickname on them.


Dorothy: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

On a Popular Myth Pertaining to Male Anatomy:

Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man’s ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other body organs?


Rose: What do you mean?


Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.

On Safe Sex:

Blanche: You know, girls, we are going on a romantic cruise with Jeff, Rich and Randy, and we may need to bring… you know… protection.


Rose: What do you mean?


Dorothy: Two armed guards, Rose. No, Blanche was talking about what’s over there, those… [points to a counter]


Rose: A Hershey bar?


Dorothy: Over one.


Rose: A pack of gum?


Dorothy: To the left.


Rose: Hair dye?


Dorothy: CONDOMS, Rose, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

On Breast Enhancement:

Blanche: I’ve decided what I’m gonna use my bonus check money for.


Dorothy: What?


Blanche: I’m gonna have my breasts enlarged!


Rose: Blanche, why would you want to do that?


Blanche: Rose, breasts are back in fashion! Besides, what God didn’t give me, Dr. Newman will. He’s the Picasso of plastic surgery!


Dorothy: Fine, Blanche. Just make sure he doesn’t attach one to your forehead.

On What I Might Have to Resort to Doing at One Point or Another in the Next 98 Days:

Michael [caught in the middle of an “armed struggle”]: Grandma, this isn’t what it looks like.

Sophia: Please! I’m eighty years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell know what it looks like!

 

 

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2 Responses to “Day 2: Doing a ‘Golden Girls’ DVD marathon is BTS”

  1. I never thought of it, but i guess THE GOLDEN GIRLS was the orginal SEX AND THE CITY, except that the city was MIAMI. Blanche is Samantha, Maude is Carrie, etc etc. Click link

  2. Golden girls are better than moldy penis sex

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