Day 4: The Mystery of the Compromised Wax Penis is BTS

While trying to make myself breakfast early this morning, I found an erect penis inside the freezer. It was made of wax and wrapped in plastic, snuggled between Ziplocked bags of ground beef and lima beans. Don’t get me wrong; it was like running into an old acquaintance – it used to adorn a chocolate marble cake with the inscription “Make a Wish and Blow!” that my roommate M. ordered for my birthday party last March. Its entrance was met with fits of squealing and giggling from the guests of the smallish party, who were mostly women, feigning scandal at the sight of an engorged male member. Preying on the guests, M. forced each one to have her picture taken with the cake but, in no time, the ladies seemed to have warmed to the appendage and found it terribly amusing to be caught by the camera doing indelicate things to it with their mouths – and this was just the wax version. Being the birthday celebrant, I felt betrayed about being upstaged by what seemed like the central attraction of a zoo. I felt a little like Moses coming down Mt. Sinai only to find the Canaanites worshipping the Golden Calf. By the end of the night, only R.’s 70-year-old aunt managed to keep much of her dignity intact (although she did agree to one or two photographs). 

Although the sculpture has gotten a little moldy around the base (some greenish matter and random purple blotches), the craftsmanship is impressive. Its proportions seemed to be modeled after that of a respectably endowed man and if it had looked any more lifelike, I swear it could’ve been sawed off some unwitting celebrity at Madame Tussauds (I hear the Nicholas Cage in his fuschia satin shirt wears a stunned expression).  The cake company was not particular with the coloration, though – the whole thing was uniformly flesh-colored from the head of the shaft down to the compact balls – probably to dissuade customers from using a product intended for the kitchen the same way one uses accessories generally found in the nightstand drawer. However, with the economy in recession, I wouldn’t be surprised if the cake company faces antitrust lawsuits from dildo manufacturers.

Which reminds me. I couldn’t get over the fact that something kept in the freezer could have grown molds, which the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines as “a furry growth of minute fungal hyphae occuring typically in moist warm conditions, especially on food or other organic matter”.

Moist.

Warm.

Conditions.

Now, as far as I know, “Griffin” (which the wax sculpture shall be heretofore referred to as, saving me the trouble of looking up euphemisms for penis) has never been taken out of the refrigerator and deposited on a moist warm area. Or has he? The possibility brings to mind horrors I cannot even begin to imagine.

While there is something perversely comforting about having an erect penis in one’s freezer day in and day out, the possibility that Griffin can, from time to time, grow himself a body and limbs and walk out of the freezer to nestle into moist warm surfaces is not.

How to solve the mystery of the moldy Griffin? Shercock Holmes, we have a problem.

P.S. I thought better than to upload a photo of the subject of today’s entry. However, I will gladly email photos of it upon request. 

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6 Responses to “Day 4: The Mystery of the Compromised Wax Penis is BTS”

  1. Delicious!!

  2. The Hebrews/Israelites built the calf. Not the Canaanites

    Regarding the mold on your penis… mold might be penicilllin, which kills STDs like chlamydia, so maybe it is good to have a peis which also gives u a dose of a cure. See link above

  3. this blog is too hilarious! LOL! i can just imagine you waking up in the morning, opening your fridge and seeing a BIG penis ..well, or so you thought…LOL..good morning!!! hahaha

  4. *the storyteller Says:

    hahaha… i love zak’s reply. i think that totally solves the mystery right there. elementary, watson. =)

  5. Couldn’t stop reading! The next BTS blog should be the investigation and interrogation of roomie!

    Stick it in a cooler and send it to CSI Miami.

  6. I must confess this one is the first article I read on your blog. I was curious about the tittle and wondered how that could be BTS. I like your sense of humor. Very funny! I still don’t think that was BTS but glad you enjoyed contemplating the mold on you frozen penis.

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