Day 8: The Arrival of László (and the Rules of Better Than Sex) is BTS

The Golden Rule: Neck Up, Good; Neck Down, Not Good

A special gift arrived for me today: something hairy with a bulbous head that will keep me company for the rest of my hundred days. It came with a tag from an Ebay seller that read, “NEW Bulldog Puppy Statue Porch Garden Dog Adorable”, and a select few of you may already be privy to his key supporting role in the blog.  Everyone, meet the lovable, darling László! Depending on who’s asking, I named him after: 

 a)    Victor Laszlo, Ingrid Bergman’s husband in Casablanca, played by Paul Henreid (to friends in the arts and entertainment fields)

 b)   László Moholy-Nagy, the Hungarian painter and photographer as well as professor in the Bauhaus school (to members of the Press)

 c)   The Hungarian artist that Dorothy, Blanche and Rose posed nude for in The Golden Girls (to everyone else)

Like the garden gnome in Amelie, László, who will be nicknamed “Lay-Z”, will be featured in photos chronicling my Better Than Sexcapades. He will be my primary source of  moral support in moments of weakness and desperation (aside from keeping an eye on Griffin, the wax penis, to make sure it doesn’t grow molds again). Every tenth day of the blog (beginning Day 10), Lay-Z will do a one-on-one interview with me about how I’m doing. If you have any questions you want Lay-Z to ask me during the interview, please feel free to post them in the comments section.

I might not have told you yet but László came with men in fuschia suits who made me wear an invisible chastity suit extending from just above the collarbone to a point right below my knees. They then handed over a document listing down what I am and am not allowed to do for the remainder of the 100 days. Should I violate any of the provisions,  the chastity suit will send waves of electric shocks through my body, the intensity of which would be commensurate with the gravity of my violation. In case I forget the specifics, all I need to remember is: NECK UP – GOOD; NECK DOWN – NOT GOOD! 

Here is what the rest of the document stipulated:

ALLOWED:

  1. Meeting guys at social events
  2. Flirting
  3. Going out on dates
  4. Exchanging dirty messages on IM or through text messaging
  5. Phone Sex – but only between 9PM and 8AM
  6. Making out – As defined by Wikipedia, making out typically involves:
    1. Kissing,  including prolonged, passionate kissing (also known as French kissing)
    2. Necking –  a term for heavy kissing, and particularly kissing of the neck
  7. Giving and receiving massages (but nothing in the nude and no full-body massages)
  8. Autoeroticism
  9. Utilizing media that facilitates autoeroticism

NOT ALLOWED:

  1. Penetration upstairs and downstairs by one or more male members whether real or manufactured
  2. Logging on to gay dating or cruising websites – I know it’s not sex but it’s an abstinence I’m imposing on myself anyway
  3. Getting drunk – Intoxication is a slippery slope and when at least two guys had told me that I should allow myself this, I sniffed out their less than honorable agenda! 
  4. Seeing or touching another guy’s manhood – Basically, anything involving another guy’s manhood (except maybe fantasize about it)

I hope I covered the nuts and balls here, so to speak. If there’s anything you think I missed, please let me know. 

P.S. To the one guy who’s been pooh-poohing my quest to reach the finish line (you know who you are, merciless bully on Gmail chat), you will have my boy László to contend with!

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2 Responses to “Day 8: The Arrival of László (and the Rules of Better Than Sex) is BTS”

  1. Finally, parameters I can work with. This will help in my planning for. . . ugh, I’ve said too much already.

  2. LOL ! Omigod, so you weren’t kidding about Laszlo ! …… I’m not a bulldog person, but he is pretty cute.

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