Day 35: Perfecting the “Surprise Kiss” from the 1930s is BTS

It turns out that my first New England visit a few days ago has been such a hit with A.T. that I’ve been invited for an encore. In roughly three weeks, I will be sampling lobsters in Maine and driving around in Newport, Rhode Island. I’ve mentioned in an earlier post that A.T. is a hottie, so I’ll pretty much be a moth fluttering again to the fire with this second trip. The fact that A.T. is an oenophile and that I am rather easily persuaded when intoxicated might make it hard to stick to the sacrosanct “neck-up” rule the next time, especially when I’ve been forewarned by Dorothy Parker:

I like to have a martini,


Two at the very most.


After three I’m under the table,


after four I’m under my host.

Hmmm…What to do.

At a novelty shop in Provincetown, I picked up a smallish, quaint book called “The Art of Kissing: Tips & Techniques from the 1930s” by a Pietro Ramirez, Sr. knowing that I might have some use for it some day. What I didn’t anticipate was that I would end up having use for it sooner than I thought. The plan is, to distract A.T. from pursuing more advanced modes of sexual behavior, I will have to expand my kissing repertoire and inject as much variety and novelty to it as to be sufficiently entertaining to my host. I will therefore devote the next few weeks to becoming a connosieur of the smooch the old-fashioned way. If Nancy Sinatra’s boots were made for walking, A.T. will be reminded that these lips of mine were made for smooching. Below are the more interesting kissing techniques from the booklet:

The “Vacuum” Kiss

Here you start off by first opening your mouth a trifle just after you have been resting peacefully with closed lips. Indicate to your partner, by brushing his teeth with the tip of your tongue, that you wish for him to do likewise. The moment he responds, instead of caressing his mouth, suck inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange. If he knows of this kiss variation, your  boy will act in the same way and withdraw the air from your mouth. In this fashion, in a very short while, the air will have been entirely drawn out of your mouths. Your lips will adhere so tightly that there will almost be pain instead of pleasure. But it will be the sort of pain that is highly pleasurable.

When you decide that you have had enough of it, don’t suddenly tear your mouth away. Any vacuum when suddenly opened to air gives off a loud popping noise. The procedure is simply to open first a corner of your mouth. You will hear a faint hissing sound when this is done. Immediately, you will find the pressure in your mouth lessen. The muscles will relax. And a delicious sense of torpor will creep your entire body, giving it a lassitude that is almost beatific.

The “Nip” Kiss

In the “nip-kiss”, the kisser is not supposed to open his mouth like the maw of a lion and then sink his fangs into the delicate flesh of the kissee. The procedure is the same as the ordinary kiss except that, instead of closing your lips with the kiss, you leave them slightly open and, as though you were going to nibble on a delicious tidbit, take a playful nip into either the nape of the neck, the cheek or the lips. Just a nip is enough.

The “Kiss-Tease”

The old story of the fox and the grapes which were tantalizingly dangled over his head is the foundation for the method. Simply, the procedure is this: just before lowering your lips for the kiss, instead of planting the kiss, draw your head back again. Then, hold your lips in readiness but do not kiss. Hold this position for as long as possible, all the while you smile tantalizingly into the eyes of the boy. Finally, when both you and he can stand the suspense no longer, lower your lips, slowly, as slowly as you possibly can, and imprint the seal of love onto the avid mouth of your loved one. After that, the technique calls for no specific action. Kissing, like loving, is instinctive.

The “Surprise” Kiss

A most charming manner of kissing is called the “surprise” kiss. This is performed when one of the parties has fallen asleep, on the sofa, let us say. On entering the room, when the other sees his lover asleep, he should tip-toe softly over to him. Then, lowering his head slowly, he should implant a soft, downy, feathery kiss squarely on his lips. This first kiss should be a very light one. But, thereafer, the intensity of the kisses should increase until the sleeping one has awakened and, of course, even beyond that.

The effect of such an awakening to a sleeper is almost heavenly. For, while in the midst of a dream, a pleasant one, most likely, for it will concern the other half of the couple, he feels vaguely, faintly, as though it were the touch of a butterly’s wing, a subtle kiss on his lips. Naturally, in the depths of his sleep, he imagines that it is part of his dream and the result is a pleasant sensation, indeed. Then, gradually, although still asleep, he feels the kisses continue. And the pleasantness continues. Then, as he starts to come out of his sleep, he realizes that the kisses are too real for a dream. But he is sure that he is dreaming. And so, immediately, a relapse from the happiness sets in and a twinge of sadness comes over him because he knows that, instead of being with his lover, he is only dreaming of him.

Imagine, then, his extreme gratification, when, while thinking these drab thoughts, he feels the actuality of an intense, ardent kiss on his lips. His heart flutters wildly. His pulse runs riot. Perhaps he is not asleep, he argues to himself. Then he opens his eyes. And he sees the darling face of his beloved bending over him. And he feels the sensuous touch of his lips on his. Truly, no awakening can be more pleasurable!

 

It’s time to pucker up.